Christmas Secrets

Christmas Secrets by Enya

Underneath a winter sky,
a distant train sings out the miles.
And so I wonder can it be,
will every mile bring you to me?

A promise made may still come true,
so I am waiting here for you.
If you don't come, what will I do?
Who shall I tell my secrets to?

Christmas bells ring out their chimes,
I hear them echo through the night.
And moonlight shines upon the road,
and trembles on the falling snow.

I look into the midnight blue,
so many stars I never knew.
If you don't come, what will I do?
Who shall I tell my secrets to?

I look into the midnight blue,
so many stars I never knew.
If you don't come, what will I do?
Who shall I tell my secrets to?

Merry Christmas!!!

Merry Christmas!

Me revisiting the Arabian Sea at Old Bandra Fort in Bandra West, Mumbai, November 2010.

It's been a wild ride of a year with lots of ups and lots of downs but I just wanted to say Merry Christmas to my family and all my friends on here who follow me and have supported me. No news to report yet but hopefully soon in the New Year. Enjoy this special time with family, to those who are spending their first Christmas with baby and those without, our time will come soon.

"At the end, you will win."

Well I'm finally back home after being in Mumbai for 8 days. It seems so long ago where I was planning my hotel, flight, other travel details, etc. How time flies! I'll post a few pictures in an upcoming entry. I stayed in a great hotel, the Peninsula Grand on Andheri East. Amazing food, great service and very modern and stylish rooms... all for only 5000 rupees a night. Last year I stayed at the Taj Land's End so you can imagine that I find 5000 rupees to be a steal. I was fortunate to be there on Eid, which happened on my last day and gave me insight into this interesting holiday.

Transfer was Thursday so another 1 week and 7 days of waiting.

"At the end, you will win." - Gandhi via author Paulo Coelho (http://twitter.com/paulocoelho/status/26311023836)

The Journey Continues

I'm back in Mumbai to continue with the journey. Author Paulo Coelho says, "You are free, but you have to choose something. My mother used to say: 'an open oven bakes no bread.'" So I'm back again to put a bun in the oven!

I'm hoping to get to Delhi and Agra to see the Taj maybe over the weekend but it will be difficult with my schedule. Anyway, we'll see. For now though, I'm back in Mumbai and loving it!

Inspiration

Just checking in and saying hi.

Following many blogs and seeing so many dreams come true.

I've still been reflecting and thinking about things so nothing new to report yet on that front. Maybe soon.

In the meantime, I came across this quote that inspired me and maybe will for you, too!

"There is force in the universe, which, if we permit it, will flow through us and produce miraculous results."

— Mahatma Gandhi

The End of This Chapter

I received news yesterday morning of the result: negative. Since then I've been having difficulty trying to express my thoughts and feelings into words.

Sadness.

This chapter closes and I will take the next several months to collect myself and think about what's next. Feeling many things like, why?, anger, confusion, sadness, motivation. Anxiety; I just want to hit the fast forward button to where I have that feeling of getting a positive result and working towards being a parent like I knew at one time. Everything has been done correctly and properly as far as I know, unsure why we had to try 5 times.

I would like to see how things go over the next few months with family, work, and in my mind I'd like to start the next chapter and go back to India tentatively for January or February. We'll see.

Sincere thanks to everyone who has shared their support with me. I will keep reading and keep following everyone's blogs; they inspire and make me happy and your blogs, as well as posts here have helped me gather myself when I've been feeling down and helped me feel not-so alone during those times.

I will keep updating my own blog when I have some news.

Thanks to all!

In the meantime, will keep dreaming...

Waiting

Today is the 2 week date! Although still waiting to hear and not exactly sure yet when the test will be done.

Hoping for the best but also have to be prepared and plan for the worst.

Hopefully will hear soon!

Seven Days and One Week

Transfer was yesterday!

The countdown begins...

...would make for a nice belated birthday present.

...or early Christmas present.

...or present of the forever present!

Staring Up at Orion

Tonight was the Perseid meteor shower. It is actually still going on and will until the morning hours but a working man must get to bed!

Behind my backyard is a big park with a famous toboggan hill. My backyard actually looks very much alike to the background of my blog, even with the same looking tree. It’s a prime spot for stargazing and there are/were several people on the grass, looking up to the stars. I was able to see one meteor fly across the sky. Although only one, it was big and it was bright… so much that when I saw it, made me go, “Ooohhh!” out loud to myself. A girl who was walking by asked if I had seen anything yet and I told her what I saw.

Even though there have been many highs and many lows with this journey, the highs have been similar to that feeling, enough to prompt that feeling inside and make you go, “Ooohhh!” I am so happy for all the parents-to-be whose blogs I follow, soon about to leave for India in the coming weeks and months to be with baby/babies.

For me, I get that feeling right at the beginning when you dream, what you imagine, how you feel excitement and a sense of wonder for hopefully how everything will work out, the good things that lie ahead and what the future will be like.

Well after trying since last November, everything is new again for me with a new donor, a new cycle ahead about to start and new hope… I'm standing on the edge of a new precipice, wondering where what's next will take me.

Dreaming of Baby

No news but just more dreams...

This one from last night was just me and baby. I was carrying it around, holding it and just being completely and utterly in a state of happiness. It was a little baby boy.

I'm glad I can be happy with baby in dreams until it hopefully happens in waking life.

A New Hope, A New Light

Chatted with Dr. S today and a new friend, which made me emotional and teary-eyed to have people reach out half-way around the world even if just words in an e-mail.

Made me feel inspired, hopeful and recharged to remain positive.

Thank you.

Result: -

I heard from India today.

Cycle 4 was negative.

I was not surprised as I hadn't heard anything in over a week from when the result was supposed to be ready.

Will try again for cycle 5. I am not getting discouraged at all, only even more determined. My only low point was when I lost the baby in cycle 3.

Until Dr. M tells me to stop or I'm barred from ever going to India again, there will only be 1 outcome to all of this and that will be positive. I was a dad if only even for a weeks and I will be again.

North Star

So happy for my colleague, who's now in Kazakhstan and posted a picture today of holding up baby with a big smile and wearing a Canada t-shirt (to celebrate Canada Day yesterday).

Hopefully I will hear good news soon too, as well...

North Star

Where are you

Come guide me home

This love

Won't end

If I see you soon

I can't turn night to day

I can explain it

Oh please

North star, come bring me home

It's been a long time coming

But it's well worth waiting

And I raise my hands

And ask for nothing more

If we are of the same mind, finally

It was worth the calamity of you being mad at me

You know I've got feelings too they come stealing through

And batter me properly revealing my sensitivity

We don't get this time for free

Take my hand and promise me your love and honesty

And this soliloquy would not have been in vain

On our journey of life let's take the slow train

(It's been a long time coming)

Waiting for the train

(It's well worth waiting)

Take my hand

(And I raise my hands)

We don't get this time for free

(And ask for nothing more)

Hey...

It's been a long time coming

But it's well worth waiting

And I raise my hands

And ask for nothing more

It's been a long time coming...

This bright star shining...

Dreaming of Dr. M

I guess since it's getting closer to result time, I'm having weird dreams. Last night's dream was that I was in India which was really my backyard and then the environment kept changing to other places I've never seen before.

I was with an older man who I had never seen before, my mom and Dr. M.

I didn't know the result yet in my dream.

The older man wanted to take me and my mom on a short detour trip to Italy (or France, I can't remember) while we waited, which I knew would make my mom happy.

The wait continues...

Rainy Day Saturday

I bit the bullet and opened a blogger account to share my story as well for anyone that may be like me: questioning, lurking, following and scared... wondering if they should go on this journey.

I was inspired to start this blog as a result of finding out that one of my close colleagues has been going through a journey of adoption, as she left on parental leave this week for a year and to go pick up her baby in Kazakhstan. Right before she left, she shared her blog with me and now here I am!

I'm really not sure how much I will post here... I obviously will be much more inclined to chronicle/post about the journey if things end up being positive. So far there have been more downs than up but I'm still staying positive and we'll see.

Aside from the universe speaking to me in waking life and dreams, someone promised me something and I believe them.

One more week left.